Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
