Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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