Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
