it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im holly from the hills drunk
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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