I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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