420 ftw
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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