her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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