Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
