Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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