i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
