She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
