I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
