fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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