i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
