I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
