so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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