Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
