Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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