You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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