Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
