My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
