he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
