I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
