I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize