On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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