Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
