if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
