i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
