Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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