Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
