After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
