My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
