my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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