I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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