Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
