the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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