I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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