census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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