she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
