Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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