Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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