I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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