There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
