Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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