When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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