last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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