I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
