i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
