Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
