so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I deserve this hangover.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
