I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
