My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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