My underwear smells like fireworks.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
