I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
areolas are like halos for boobs.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
