I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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